Healing from a life changing incident takes time. Everybody says that. Social conventions have different approaches depending on culture, history and traditions. Whether it’s death, divorce, or job loss, we all know when the beginning of grief happens, but never the end. We don’t even know the middle until we’re near the end of the grief.
And those stages of grief? (shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) There are subdivisions of each of the five stages. Denial can include disbelief. Grief can also materialize in physical health issues. So I would add “anxiety” to the six stages of grief. A good therapist has given me tools to process the emotions so that they don’t keep impacting my physical health. Six months of insufferable stress became a cancer scare. Fifteen months of sustained stress have complicated aging eyes and migraines.
I still struggle with anxiety. Friends, family (especially my amazing husband), and a great community are worth fighting the daily battle of physical and emotional issues to get through the day. I’ve had to adjust my expectations of what I can do. And re-prioritize what I want to do. I’m still looking for a daily affirmation which has less foundations in guilt and sadness. If I reach for smaller victories, am I less than I should be?
Understanding grief and the process I’ve had to go through to find myself again has had many turns and retreats. Lately, I’ve realized my anger had split into bitterness and jealousy. I occasionally have day dreams about confronting wrong doers. But these imaginings have become more a comical fantasy than a wish for resolution. Do I have choice words for them? You bet. I have a speech ready for the perfect moment. And it’s never going to be said in real life.
Because I know that the reality was an institutional economic condition. My position was collateral damage. It’s just the cowardly way in which the decision was executed. That’s on them. I don’t need to carry that any longer. Doing so only hurts myself.
I’m nearly back. My reset is at 85% of ambition capacity. 10% is lack of confidence and 5% is self doubt. Realizing that 15% is still needing a change, I must cleanse through mediation, music making, and a lot of sweat. My fighting spirit isn’t about looking back to correct past wrongs. It’s about making sure I keep my head looking at now and moving forward.