What’s Eating Me – May 11

Have you seen Carrie Fischer’s “Wishful Drinking” one-woman show? There’s a line in it where she says something like, “Maybe the reason I wrote so much about my life is that I was trying to figure out who I was…” That’s not a direct quote. It’s something like it. But, for reference and entertainment, if you want to listen to the audio version of her book of the same title, here’s one that the author reads  on YouTube.

That idea clearly resonated with me. I’ve come to blogging not only for sharing ideas and processing reflections, but also to try to figure out what’s bugging me.

I’ve previously written about recovering from a job loss a year ago. While the current work situation is much improved, and the circle of friends and family is supportive, there is still a lingering anger.

Today the trigger was an item about a person for whom I’ve not been able to forgive. I’m stuck because I cannot find resolution in the person’s actions or lack of action. In my heart, I’m hoping that there was no malicious intent; but the lack of transparency keeps the anger flaring up.

People will do terrible things out of fear or shame. The people for whom I feel greatest respect are the ones willing to be accountable for their actions or decisions; most especially toward their colleagues.

When we seek a cure for a disease, we also seek it’s cause. With job loss, it’s hard to let go when you’ve given your heart to the position and the institution for so long. Anger is the disease and it is all mine. There is no person that is the direct cause of this emotion; it is mine to choose to process it.

Former FBI Director Comey, I feel you.

On the brighter side of the day, a superhero friend rescued my bicycle gears over his lunch break. I had a chance to see my son play his last middle school band concert with a director who has kept him accountable in his musical preparation, and in his character. My daughter and I shared a hearty laugh in the car. We ate nachos for dinner. And Pabu and Cora (our cats) celebrated their second birthday. I think of these moments to douse the flares.

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2 thoughts on “What’s Eating Me – May 11

  1. I enjoy reading your blogs each day and even watched your son play in the band. My husband lost 2 different jobs and I relate to the anger. Thirty-five years later the instigator of the job release called and asked if he and his wife could come visit us. Obviously it had weighed on their hearts while ours had graciously moved on. Accepting God’s love and grace for me allowed me to share that love while also filling the gap in my own life and heart. I feel for you and have followed your heartache, but you are such a talented and amazing woman that you will reach greater heights in the days ahead. Love you!!

    1. Thank you, Kathy. I have found that reflection and prayer have helped. I could probably use a prayer group, but fear the political overtones of previous experience. Your guidance is most appreciated and welcome!

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